| are you here |
[7/8/05@8:56pm] |
|
you know, i thought about all of this. and it just figures. right? life goes well for what, a week? and it's like the biggest sin. and here goes the punishment. the thing i want the most i can brush with my fingertips. but i can't grasp it. and it's the same thing all the time. i just want him. that's it. and it's not like i can't have him, oh i could. i do. except for one minor fucking detail. that fucking fucker that i'm about fucking ready to fucking kill. cuz he's gotta go and fucking screw with every fucking life so he can be the fucking center of fucking attention cuz he's fucking five. fuck you you fucking bastard. notice all the fucking "g's" fucker? that's how fucking pissed i am at you. i will go to no fucking lengths to fucking kill your fucking faggot ass. fuck you.
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| aw...she's teary eyed |
[2/13/05@10:18pm] |
wow. i feel like crying. not happy crying, but not sad crying either. just crying. lol. cuz i def. just went all the way back to june 12 and read most of the entries from then til now. and whoa nelly. there's a lot of stuff in there. i still find it hard ot believe that i loved him so much. and even harder to believe, is that looking back on it, i still know that i loved him, and i know i still love him. (did that make sense? w/e) cuz i mean, things have changed A LOT in the past eight months. it's so hard to believe it's been that long. like, wow! there's like nothing that hasnt' changed. except maybe my friendship w/ ashley and i <3 my job, and you know, stupid stuff like that. but everything else is so different. i dunno. not in a bad way though. so i'm gonna go b/c i'm curious. lol
<3333
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| gdgdggdgdgdgdgd |
[2/10/05@4:28pm] |
god damnit. lj is pissin' me off. i wanna get on squeeze_tighter. and i made a new account. just cuz. and i cant update it or login b/c lj is bein' a bitch. grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
ok so here's what i really should do this weekend:
SENIOR EXIT
(as in til i finish)
and then everything else.
hahaha. i highly doubt it. but i promised myself i'll do it tomorrow. i have to. that's a lot of b.s. to do in a VERY short amount of time. gd, why am i such a slacker?
and dude. i hate ms. smif's kids (i know i spelt that wrong thank you. but that's how jackie says it (not me) so shut up). they get til the 24. gr. no fair.
anywho, i'm gonna peace out now. b/c i'm gonna actually start on maybe...the SECOND pg. hahaha.
♥
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| grr |
[2/9/05@8:27pm] |
ok, so i keep tryin to update my lj. like the CURRENT one. but apparently that server is down "for a few minutes" which apparently means the rest of the time that i plan on spending here. but anywho, i promised pitchers on there. so here.
oh, this one...
and this one are for you. cuz my hair is down. <3 i'm super. (dont you love my fake "i'm pissed but so not really" look?)
and i def. <333 this one. i dont know why tho. it just looks fun. haha.
p.s. if you dont comment on this you suck. and you know who you are. lol. seriously though, COMMENT!!!!
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| she still says no! |
[1/30/05@7:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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korn//freak on a leash |
] |
( mr. sense. aw. )
dude, people suck. poor common. i feel bad for him. lol. but really people suck. and the beastie boys are on the radio. i need some more new cds. hm. yeah i do. i want to make them. nice new mixes. but i need my computer. and i need cable internet on that computer. i need need. i keep typing ned by accident. lol. dude. i'm bored again.
theres a work in one of the papa roach songs that def. sounds like "fuckify" but i'm thinkin' it's really "...fuck if i..." but i still like the way fuckify sounds. the end.
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| some lyrics b/c i can |
[1/29/05@10:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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papa roach/getting away with murder (cd, not the song) |
] |
( music is magical )
and here's a real post. i'm fuckin bored out of my mind. i dont feel like doing anything. and i've listened to the papa roach cd all the way through 1.5 times. and thats just sad. on top of the amount of time that i wasnt listening to music. lol. i'm sooooooo bored. and nothing will stop that. maybe i could go sledding down the hill out back in the dark. that'd be fun. but i think it's just wet and rainy. not frozen anymore. grr. and i'm to lazy to get all bundled up. lol. and you know what? i dont want to be a lil kid. i wanna go shopping. OoO, yeah....shopping. i want new pants. and SHOES! and earrings. and omg, i'm so fucking bored i'm making a shopping list. that's not cool. and you know what else i've done to be an uber dork today? i alphabetized my buddy list b/c i got bored of talking to people. and then i played yahoo! bingo. and i won, once. lol. and now i'm updating this lj. an di already updated the other one, my gj, my xanga, and my myspace. AND i redid the layout on gloria's lj (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) glorius1). omg, i just wanna go out. an di'm finally ungrounded but i'm stuck at home. and i even played with my new picture program from google. and yay. but i got bored fast. and i'mjust so bored. and i wanna talk on the phone with someone but theres no one to call cuz i got nothing to say. imagine that, me with nothing to say. lol. and i wanna watch tv but daddy n ben are watching a movie. and we only have cable in one room. well, 3. but only one with all the channels and a tv and a remote. the others only have bits and pieces of those components. lol. and one is mommy's bedroom and i cant go in there cuz she's sleepin. so god damnit how do i stop being so BORED. i dont know. and i have some energy. but it's kinda fading. :/ i'm gonna go eat something and have some soda. b/c i feel like having soda. ok? ok. peace.
<33 jacki
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| korn |
[1/19/05@9:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tomorrow's moving day |
] |
| [ |
music |
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west wing. |
] |
b/c it wont stop in my head (damn voices) lol.
( falling away from me[]korn )
i've been hearing that song ever since they played the commercial for the miller lite lunch that said you could win the korn greatest hits cd. i was like hm.. korn, i wanna hear falling away from me. and omg they played it. it was funny wierd. but w/e. so yeah, now the raspy voice is repeating in my head and wont go away no matter how much i yell at it. lol.
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| side note |
[11/2/04@12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
i confuzzled as always. luis n i have been fairly buddy buddy lately. lol. i mean it's one thing to hold hands and hug. but when he hugs me he doesnt just squeeze me n leave. nope, he holds me (which is nice...). and then he kissed me everyday last week. ok, i know he's not interested in me....b/c he's luis. and i'm really not all that interested in him. which is fine. none of that bothers me. but it makes me feel like ....i dunno. kinda slutty. which is wierd. i mean, i was totally willing to be fuck buddies w/ diego (so it didnt work out, but i still would do it anyway....just b/c i'm in it for the fun. i dont like the emotional-drama shit) and that was ok. but luis....well....it's luis and we will never be together. niether of us really like each other that much. but i'm still letting this happen. its not like we're gonna be fuck buddies. it's not like what we do....tiny kisses and big hugs....MEANS anything, i KNOW it doesnt. but i feel wierd not feeling anything when he hugs me, or kisses me. i feel wierd not liking someone. i know, that's odd. but i feel nothing. no flutter-y ness. no o wow. it'sj ust like yeah w/e peace out. and that just seems wrong. like i'm jaded.i dont wanna be jaded. wtf? i want someone to enjoy myself w/. someone to like. not love. b/c i dont want to break my heart again, i'm over that and i dont want a relationship that serious for a while. i want someone that makes me smile when i'm thinking about them, and someone to make me laugh. just someone fun to mess around w/. to go out w/. dude, i NEVER get what i want. either i dont have anybody, or i mix myself up in a bad relationshipe. cory - ick. dont even wanna think about it. lol. cody - used me....used him. not bad, but not even anything really. diego - yeah, i lovED him, but it's over so w/e. that broke my heart and i'm fine now n all, but i didnt like those two weeks. lol. so overall, it's never really how i want it. i want something to go all my way.
i realized the other day that a lot of stuff that kept me from being happy w/ diego. the stuff no one knows about. is my own fault. i wouldn't open my mouth and complain cuz i didnt want him to get pissy. cuz i dont like pissy diego. but all this stuff that i'd think about after i got off the phone w/ him every night, the stuff that i kept to myself b/c i dont want ppl 2 know that i'm not happy w/ what seems like the one thing that was keepin' me happy, that's the stuff maybe i shoulda mentioned. and i didnt b/c i felt guilty. b/c i felt selfish. but that's ok. cuz when i'm ready i'll find someone new, someone that i PROMISE MYSELF i will open up to no matter what. even if he turns into a big bitch and hangs up on me. lol.
YOUR LOSS!
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[10/2/04@12:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Jacki got a new livejournal!!!!! squeeze_tighter !!!! if you want to, add it! it's gonna be public, like this, but i decided i need a new name. lol. all y'all that have friends only journals, add me, b/c if i'm still on YOUR friends list it's b/c i said to keep me when you did clean ups, b/c i LOVE your ljs!!!!!! i'm not deleting this, but i'm not gonna update eitehr.....lol
PEACE
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| welcome to first grade.... |
[9/30/04@9:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 misunderstood |
] |
| [ |
music |
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red hot chili peppers/scar tissue |
] |
i just wish people didnt fuckin' care. ha, i found out y alex asked me n diego how long we've been goin out...some chick that rode the bus w/ us my freshman yr was askin. sayin' shit bout how mean he was n shit. WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS REMIND ME MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE????? do they think i dont' know how evil he used to be to me? b/c you know what...I DONT GIVE A FUCK! two years ago was TWO YEARS AGO. today is today. and today he loves me, and he wants me, and i love him, and i need him. and if people know us then why dont they come up to us and ask us??? wtf? that pisses me off too. like, do you think i'm gonna be mad if your like OMG YOU'RE GOING OUT W/ DIEGO???? b/c guess what!? EVERYBODY says that, and it's always, "uh...yeah." so get over it. i'm sorry but i've been w/ him for over 3 months, i guess i just thought people would be a lil more used to it...ya know? but i guess not.
and another thing. this is directed at a select few people and i'm pretty sure they know who they are:
i do not care if people look at my lj layout and think i'm drinking. b/c i'm not. i will state that right now, I DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. I DO NOT SMOKE ANYTHING. so if you see a bacardi layout, it's b/c i liked the pictures and the idea of a bacardi layout. some people may not approve, but my mom thought it was cool, and i spent forever finding just the right images and resizing 'em n uploading 'em n all that other shit. so i'm not gonna change this until I'M ready. also, the stuff in my lj is here for me. yeah, i know i make it all public and it's on the internet so anyone can read it, and that's great. b/c i dont think it's always the smartest thing to keep every lil thing to yourself. that's how all your emotions build up n then you just explode. and that shit sux. so i make a public journal. this is me. yeah, maybe i dont act like this around people. you dont see the more secret sides of me that i post on here, but that's b/c that stuff is personal. but i put it up here b/c i'm ONLINE. the internet is not a reality, it's a place where you can take off every mask and know one will know. people dont read this and then forever look at me as a different person, b/c this isn't the me they see every day. this is the me that i am when i'm alone. i dont care if the WHOLE WORLD reads my lj, really i dont. but DO NOT critize me for what i'm saying. go ahead, comment...joke, poke fun, or just make me feel better. w/e i need that day. but NEVER tell me that i shouldn't post stuff in MY lj. this is MINE and it will ALWAYS be mine. so what comes from my head n my heart go straight to the keyboard. if you dont approve then you have 2 options: 1. stop reading this or 2. just let it go and realize that just b/c i think about certain things and talk about them on here doesnt mean that it's the reality i'm living in.
i dont know how much sense that made, but i think you'll get the gist of it.
other then that, today was a good day. YAY! i cleaned my room, which is nice. n then diego went 2 open house n dinner w/ my family. the stupid open house thing @ hawk ridge took FOREVER so we went 2 dinner late, so he didnt get to come here. but o well. i dont mind too much, cuz @ least i got to be w/ him. and that's the best part! i'm hoping that somehow i can get out of work really early on sunday so i can go over there, but i dunno. i'm gonna try b/c i'm sure SOMEONE will cover my shift for me....PLEASE? plus they have like 3 nonvolumes, so if it's like a reg sunday, when we only have volumes n one non, then i should be off kinda early *crosses fingers* and then maybe i'll still be able to go 2 diegos. cuz i hate not seein' him all weekend. it SUCKS big time!
<33Jacki
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| secrets are no fun.... |
[9/29/04@5:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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silence |
] |
ok, i know diego's gonna read this eventually...but i'm pretty much over it. i mean, what i'm about to say isn't really botherin' me anymore, but i still need to say it.
ok, it KILLS me when someone i love is really pissed off. i mean, it's one thing if it's my mom or dad b/c they're usually just pissed @ me. but when w/e the problem is affects your whole mood, and basically ruins your day....then i feel awful. that's how i felt @ lunch yesterday. and see, for most people i dont feel as bad as i did when it was diego, b/c he won't tell me what's wrong. that's what bugs the crap outta me. i understand that he doesnt want me involved, i respect taht. hell, i dont even WANT to be involved. i just want him to tell me what's going on. it's like when you ask someone that's close to tears "whats wrong" and they say "nothing" DUH! that's a lie, and that's what i feel like diego's doing. sorta...lol. i know the whole thing has nothing to do w/ me, but i still feel like i should at least have a vague idea b/c i'm his mother freakin' girlfriend! lol.
ok, end rant. cuz i'm really not upset about it anymore. i waas just thinkin' bout it last night b/c i hate that he gets a bit pissy w/ me when he's in a overall bad mood. but it's all good. cuz i really dont care anymore....
%$me$%
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| slip away |
[9/27/04@7:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
firetrucks on ballentyne |
] |
i'm in a chill mood today. my whole weekend was calm for once. no work, just friends. the whole lock-in, sleep stuff was nice. got me all rested. then yesterday we went to some art show thing and i got some martini glass wall hanging 4 my room (brought down my room budget again, but i think my momma's havin' issues keepin track of that so no worries). then we went to the bead shop, then grocery store, then i got dropped off @ diego's. it was nice cuz we just chilled. i made him lose his random xbox games! hehe. *oops* lol. but yeah, i love that i can have fun w/ him. like we were lying on the floor in his bedroom n got "mad" at each other n were like fine, n rolled over facing opposite directions. n then he rolled back over n put his arm around me. i love when he does stuff like that. i love the way he holds me. like we could be sittin there makin' out, n then we stop n he just holds me in his arms - i love that b/c that's when i know he loves me.
then i came home n got in trouble 4 grades. o well. then went to bed like super early. and then today went well xcept for and F on another chem test. but i did all my hw n i had all the hw for tomorrow. so it's all good. and this afternoon my parents didnt really yell @ me or anything. how nice. lol. but i should get off the computer n go do h/w soon....blah. although, i did start on some this afternoon n i organized my b-day shit! YAY.
##Jacki##
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[9/25/04@7:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
et's hollywood insider |
] |
i'm sooo tired. yesterday i wnet 2 the lockin @ ashley's church. it was fun. we went to celebration station. then came back to the church n played games n watched movies n junk. that was fun. then this morning we got up, picked up, left. i came home n slept til 2 then my mom made me get up and then we went out to lunch @ barolo, then came home. i'm babysittin' my brothers now. the end. lol.
anyways, i am really bored and still tired. yeah, i was so bored b4 that i was going through links on bored.com. lol. but i was reading worst date stories. omg, i love the ones written by like 13 year olds b/c they've been on what? 2 dates...so they know how bad they are? lol. like there was one girl who got pissed b/c her best friend came w/ her n her b/f on a date. the friend then asked her b/f 2 share a drink, so the girl never talked to them again. haha....omg, diego, dont EVER share a drink w/ someone.......yeah right. lol. then i was reading best dates, aw....they were so sweet. made me miss my b/f a bit. but it's ok cuz i think i'll get to see him 2morrow....at his house. yay. lol
//jacki//
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| Switch it Up |
[9/23/04@8:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
ok, so i switched up my layout majorly. i think i'm gonna resize the background pic again b/c it's wierd blurry, but toher then that i'm likin' it. actually....i think i'm gonna have to fix the icon to cuz its a bit fuzzy. lol. i used the same pic for the icon n the lil thing by the comments....so it's like super minimized, n super maximized. lol. but w/e. i had fun makin' this b/c it was a set i've wanted to do for a while. i've had bacardi picture urls saved on my yahoo account for like 2 months. lol. so i finally edited some of 'em n got this all set up n shit. yay. lol.
anyways, i'll fix the rest of the stuff later tonight, or tomorrow b/c i don't have the programs i need on this computer. lol.
tell me what y'all think.
<3
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| happy days......ooo....good show! |
[9/23/04@4:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 silly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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modest mouse-float on |
] |
Today, out of entirely random curiosity, i went all the way back in my livejournal to a specific entry. Actually, it's my favorite one. The one where i admitted to loving Diego, the one that he read on the night of his birthday. The one. lol. So I read it. I sounded so depressed, but at the same time not, because i had come to terms with reality. i no longer denied it, i just accepted it. and i'm so glad i did. i even laughed at the part when i said "maybe i shouldn't post this" b/c had i not posted it....i wouldn't be this happy right now. amazing how so many things are contingent on one another. that entry was three months old, and i can't even list all the things that have changed in that short amount of time. first of all, i'm with diego now....i wasnt when i wrote that. and you know what, everyday i still feel shocked that the guy i'm hugging, the guy i'm kissing, the guy telling me he loves me, is Diego. but now the shock is more of a "why the hell does HE love ME?" type of thing. but everyday when i hear his voice on the phone, when i wake up to a text message he sent at like midnight telling me good night, the first time i see him in the morning and he gives me a big hug, and when i have lunch with him and he just hugs me and holds me......all these things make my heart flutter and i remember how much i really do love him. i love the way he treats me. sometimes i feel like we've been together forever, we can just sit on the couch and watch tv, or eat dinner with my family. and sometimes i feel like i'm a little kid...we "fight" over stupid shit....or i'll tease him and he'll pull his hand away.....but it's always back in mine to seconds later. and when we're alone, i love just lying next to him on his futon, in silence, knowing that he's thinking about how much he loves me, and i'm thinking about how much i love him. i love that. and i love just everything about him. i love how monday he made a pillow for me w/ his sweatshirt and made sure no one bugged me, so i could sleep at lunch. i love how tonight i almost fell asleep laying on him, b/c i know that in his arms i'm safe. i'll always be safe. that's what i love. i could go on and on. but the number one thing i love is the feeling i get whenever he's on my mind, or near me, or talking to me. i feel like everything bad is gone, the only things that exsist are him and me. that this is never going to end, and i feel happy. truely happy. the kind of happiness a little kid gets when they learn to ride a bike without training wheels....you feel like your free from everything, like your floating away to your own lil heaven. lol.
but yeah, i've been really happy lately. and it's great. i love work....i make decent money for right now, i dont need more b/c all i buy are clothes, food, and earrings. lol. seriously, i ALWAYS buy earrings and shirts when i get tipshare. but not anymore b/c i wont have steffy to come w/ me. *tear* but yeah, i'm glad to be in school b/c i love seeing all these people. i mean i walk to class n i love hearing "hey jacki" and i love being like oh hey to all these random people that i know. and i love when people compliment me. (hey, i'm concieted what can i say?) and the best part is....i get hugs EVERY DAY! lol. yeah....i'm spoiled, concieted....lots a bad shit, but do i give a fuck? nope.
YAY. buh bye fellers
x0x Jacki x0x
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[9/20/04@5:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Steve Miller Band/Keep on Rockin' Me |
] |
this weekend was so/so. i made AWESOME tipshare on friday n saturday (i hope...) cuz we were like UBER busy. then yesterday kinda sucked but w/e.
after work friday i went 2 stefs n we rented you got served (HORRIBLE acting....waste of $5) and wrong turn (very gory, but creepy.......). i couldnt sleep after watchin wrong turn b/c there are no blinds in stef's room yet n i could see the lights from cars going by on the other side of the trees and i thought of the wierd incestuous ppls in the movie. it didnt help that stef FELL ASLEEP AGAIN. i HATE when ppl sleep through movies. unless it was like you got served cuz that sucked. but still.....the only movies i've slept through are the lord of the rings movies, and once i fell asleep during shrek n finding nemo but taht was when we first got the dvds n it was on like 24/7 that whole wkend.....
then saturday i slept in, came home @ like 2 n took a super long shower n shit. chilled. got ready for work. family came n picked me up. went to work. the end.
yesterday b4 work i went shopping w/ my family. i usually HATE shopping w/ my parents. but this was the most successful trip EVER. i got 2 pj bottoms (very cool), comfy sweatpants, khaki colored pants, 1 jeans, 4 long sleeve tshirts, a jacket, 2 sweaters, and everybody got new pillows. lol. and it was all stuff i picked out. and my mom agreed on. WOW!
anyways, diego got a lj, nifty. lol.
i have next wkend off from work.........so0o0o........gimmie a call......i'm sure i'll be busy i gotta chill w/: greg, jordan, probably ashley, definately diego, maybe stef, and i'm sure there's more ppl that i'll off-handedly tell to call me n then our plans will fall through but w/e. lol.
peace fuckers
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